They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
