On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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