Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Randomize
