What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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