I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
