Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
