Don't make out with my wife yet
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Randomize
