my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
