You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Someone stole a lamp last night.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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