I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Randomize
