dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
