Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
