I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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