Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I'm always down for nudity.
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