She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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