Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
how drunk are you?
Several
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Randomize
