Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
