Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Randomize
