waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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