No I am not eating basil off your cock
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize