Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Eww. Jon Gosselin got both his ears pierced.
He looks like a bad one night stand.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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