I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Randomize
