I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
