atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Randomize
