Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Life is so much better after having sex.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
