Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
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