I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Randomize
