They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
it's like iHOP with fire
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
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