my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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