I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
someone owes me an orgasm
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
