I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
