so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
