My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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