When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
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