on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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