I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Someone came in the potted fern
I can't put those talents on a resume
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
