I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
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