I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Of course I have a pirate flag
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
