Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
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He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
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Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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