I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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