4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Pregnant stripper...not hot.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
