After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Randomize
