I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
