Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Why can't burritos get me drunk
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
