Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Can vaginas get frostbite?
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
