I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
