Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
