I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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