i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
