I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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