um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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