I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
