i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
