Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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